Suggestions for grandparents dealing with alienation.
Each grandparent/parent story is unique.
We need to educate and bring awareness the public. We need to inform and educate mental health professionals, doctors, lawyers and judges, law enforcement, and the schools. They need to understand what alienation truly is.
Alienation is endemic in our society. Alienation within a family at any level is an unnatural family/human condition. The natural norm is a multi-generational family unit that supports its members and encourages relationship (Survival of the Species).
Children are damaged by the interruption of normal family relationships. While it may have minimal effects on the children now, the long term effects are permanently damaging.
To survive they may stay neutral. Children cannot sustain high parent anxiety. As they reach moral maturity.thtey will begin to analyze.They may experience grief, loss, and confusion.
Children of alienatation have reduced family support and history..
When these adult children cut off family, we ask ourselves why. Perhaps divorce = breakable family role models. Perhaps it is the ME FIRST generation in a culture that prizes individual fulfillment, and couples unite and split based on their emotional needs rather than a sense of tradition or duty.
Experts tell us it is often due to personality disorders and unresolved childhood issues. They tell us the spouse absorbs the anger of the alienating spouse. These experts tell us the rage from our adult children is just trying to let us know what they are suffering inside, what they are living with in their homes, what their spouses make them agree to, what they manipulate them to believe. They want us to look at what they are trying to deal with every day and wanting us to understand.... "Can't you see this mess the way I have to live with!. They often have shame for their bad marriages.
Whatever the reasons, this is considered by the experts to be severe child abuse and elder abuse.
If a wife has a problem with her mother-in-law, it's the husband who needs to step in and help fix it.
Likewise, if a husband doesn't see eye-to-eye with his in-laws, his wife needs to step in.
The person with the primary relationship (the son or daughter, not the in-law) needs to be the messenger.
Some lessons we have learned at our AGA meetings:
From experts in alienation:
It is important always in any discussion of the question to emphasize the child’s loss, both present and future, rather than complaining that the grandparents are being prevented from seeing their grandchild.
The phrase that is banded about is ‘Grandparents Rights’ I feel very strongly that the phrase should be ‘Grandchildren’s Rights.’ Every child has the right to contact their grandparents if they wish to, unless there is a very good reason not to. If divorce between two people is the only option left, it should be part of that process to involve mediation, and at that time agreement is made for the children to continue their contact with grandparents and all their extended family.
It is also an important human right of the child to maintain family relationships,
Jane Support Group Coordinator United Kingdom